Psychologist Identifies Most Damaging Phrase in Relationships

A leading psychologist who studies couples has identified a single phrase that frequently leads to relationship breakdowns: “Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?”

Psychologist Mark Travers, who regularly counsels partners in distress, reports that while couples often attribute their conflicts to frequent arguments, deeper analysis typically reveals harmful communication patterns as the root cause. Chief among them is what the psychologist calls the "death-by-comparison" effect.

A couple arguing | Source: Pexels

Though it may appear to be a momentary expression of frustration, the phrase carries a deeply damaging subtext: “You’re not enough.” The comparison — whether to a friend’s partner, an ex, or a former version of the partner themselves — fosters feelings of inadequacy and insecurity over time. “Rather than feeling loved for who they are,” Travers explains, “the person on the receiving end will start questioning their worth.”

Research cited in the analysis suggests that individuals often use such phrases not out of a genuine desire for a different partner, but as a substitute for direct, vulnerable communication. When partners feel uncertain or unsafe expressing their true needs, resentment may manifest in indirect, critical remarks.

A couple arguing | Source: Pexels

The psychologist encourages couples to replace comparisons with statements grounded in personal feelings and needs. For instance, instead of invoking a third party, one might say: “It would mean a lot to me if we could speak to each other kindly, without yelling.”